Sea Change
by Nan
Summary: Missing scene from Back in the Saddle. What was Harm thinking after AJ walked out on him in the bar?
1. Sea Change I

Title: Sea Change  
  
Author: Nan  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Classification: vignette, Harm/AJ  
  
Spoilers: Missing scene from Back in the Saddle  
  
Summary: Whew! That bar scene in BitS between AJ and Harm got a little heated. This is the first time I've seen Harm down right insolent towards his former commanding officer and mentor. And AJ's comments only added fuel to Harm's fire. Or should I say that Harm's comments only added fuel to AJ's fire? Whatever, both are hurting big time and in typical male fashion, they lash out hard. Remember when AJ sent Mic and Harm into a closed ring with boxing gloves to settle their differences? Well, I think a little of that kind of therapy may be needed here too.  
  
But this isn't a story about two stubborn men using fisticuffs to settle an argument. This is just my take on Harm's thoughts right after AJ walked out of the bar. And we already know somehow he decides to return to JAG, despite that heated, insulting exchange. Go figure. Aren't men strange?  
  
Fuck, this beer tastes like shit. It probably doesn't help that you have been swirling the half drunk contents around in your sweaty palms for the last 45 minutes. Just order a new one. It'll be cold and take some sting out of the recent events. But you sigh and realize that's not the choice you're going to make. Not tonight. Somehow, this time, you've chosen the clear-headed route and declined alcohol's siren call. You want to feel it all. Crap.  
  
Ironically, it's still the beer that he bought. Admiral Chegwidden. Oh, that's right, his name is AJ. AJ. Tip to anyone out there who wants to call the admiral by his first name? Make sure you pause slightly after you've said the name. And for added emphasis? Drawl the two syllables ever so slightly. AAA - Jaaay. It needs to be done right, if you want to achieve maximum effect.  
  
So now, you sit on a barstool in a dusty roadside joint. Shit, your ride is back at the airport. And since AAA-Jay is gone, guess you'll have to walk the mile or so back to the hanger to retrieve the bike.   
  
Mattie. Double shit. You hope Mattie has left the hangar for the day. Despite the secret satisfaction that whirled through you at her comments to AAA-Jay earlier, you really don't want a one-on-one conversation with that girl about this. Especially since, despite this rather humiliating dialogue with your one-time mentor, you will probably suck it up and return to JAG.  
  
Shit, you really should order something. Anything. Coffee, maybe? If not, they're gonna wonder about you, sitting hunched over the same warm beer in the middle of a workday afternoon.   
  
Somehow the day of the week strikes you. It is a Thursday afternoon. Working stiffs should be working. So why was AAA-Jay here? Did the U.S. military shut down for a while? Doesn't he have a meeting with someone? Secnav, maybe? Why wasn't he in his damn uniform, anyway? Dress code at JAG change or something? Since when did the admiral have four or five hours clear in the middle of the workweek to drive to Blacksburg and back just to harass you?  
  
If you didn't know better, you would almost think he some sort of other purpose. Like trying to talk you into returning to JAG.  
  
Well, he already had his chance to take you back. You remember that meeting five or so months ago like it was yesterday. Mac was standing beside you, looking hot as usual in that marine green uniform. You felt amazed, remember? How anyone could look so good after going through so much in Paraguay. Like there wasn't a thing wrong with the world. Except there was one thing wrong; life as you knew it was about to an abrupt end. And end it did, in a blaze of insults that cut to the core.   
  
Your reaction? Well, you handled it like the officer and gentleman that you are. Little comment and cleaned out your office in record time. You did it with class.   
  
Maybe that's why he's so pissed. You walked away from JAG easily. Made him look like the asshole that over-reacted. Not you. You were great. He was expecting a fight that day and you didn't even give him the satisfaction. You resigned your commission to find Mac against orders and to add insult to injury; you didn't even care when he didn't want you back.   
  
And without missing a heartbeat, you picked up a job with the Company. Flying, no less. That must have frosted his socks. AAA- Jay's socks. The US Navy has the greatest set of aviation hardware in the world with one exception. It can't compete with the intelligence gathering, special operations craft of the CIA.  
  
Take the Aurora for example. Those flights were amazing. Love to tell you about it, AAA-Jay, but you don't have the clearance. Let me see, in fact, you don't have the clearance for most of the stuff I did. And did well. I may be a good lawyer but I'm also an amazing pilot. Not that you'll ever care.  
  
You could piss him off again. What if you turned down his job offer to return to JAG and stayed crop dusting with Mattie? That would mean you would prefer working for a little girl to the likes of him. It would be the ultimate insult. It would be so great.  
  
Wow, where did that come from? That was pretty bitter and twisted. You would actually consider giving up the chance to return to JAG just to get back at the admiral? That is a little low, even accounting for your present mood. Search your heart, you bitter bastard and in it you'll find that you do actually love the Navy. And admit it, if you just last another year or so, you'll qualify for retirement and the security that gives.   
  
But there's something about returning to JAG...Back to work for AAA-Jay? That self-serving, sorry-excuse for a commanding officer? The man who turfed you out telling you to wrestle alligators?   
  
What a bastard. And you told him so. Today. No more 'officer and gentleman' crap. You told him like it is. What you really thought. You've seen him mad over the years but never as mad as today. You were in prime form. Too bad Mac couldn't have seen this little conversation. She has witnessed you taking shit over the years but this time you gave it.  
  
So why did he ask you to come back? Why didn't he just tell you to screw-off?  
  
It's because he can't do without you. All indications were that JAG's backlog of cases was reaching critical mass before the Imes debacle. Before the Navy actually took the time to check the qualifications of an officer that had been working there for oh, sixteen or so years. What a mess. Whose fault is that? Huh, AAA-Jay?  
  
Funny how Roberts, Mac, Sturgis and the rest of the office can't keep up. What's wrong, AAA-Jay, can't find anyone else who can do the work, cut through the crap like I can? Stand there and take your shit? You may think I'm run by my emotions but no one can match me when it comes to output. Mac comes close but you need more than one. And something tells me that Mac's not in top form these days either. It's hard in the line of fire. Right, Mac? Huh, Sturgis? Makes even a saint a bit jumpy. And it turns out, I'm no saint.  
  
But you're still thinking of returning to JAG. Despite all this. Maybe you're just so pissed that you won't be able to pull it off. Did that ever occur to you? JAG backlog or not, the admiral won't tolerate another conversation like the one this afternoon. That was a once in a lifetime opportunity to vent. It just sort of came out. Mindless words that spouted from your mouth. Their only intent was to hurt. And if there's one thing you are good at, it's articulating clearly. Especially when you are pissed. Just ask Mac.  
  
So you got to pull it together, man. Put it behind you. Can you? Remember Navy, pension, JAG, Bud, Sturgis, Coates, Harriet, Gunny, Tiner, super sonic aircraft and neat ships. Think about the good times.   
  
Think about.... Mac. God, she looked great the other night. For a minute, you almost forgot the swirling circumstances around Paraguay. You were tempted to unload. To her, to tell her how you were feeling. But then Catherine came. And Mac volunteered to leave. She probably had to go meet Webb anyway. But for a moment the thought crossed your mind that maybe you over-reacted when it came to Mac...  
  
And that's the reason you will go back and work with the admiral. 'Cause underneath it, he is still the best commanding officer you have ever had. Blaidell couldn't hold a candle. And in some cosmic perverse kind of joke, he understands you better than most. He knew chasing Mac to Paraguay would be a disaster. That it would never work. That it would be like throwing a grenade into JAG Ops. And he was so right.   
  
Damn him. Is your problems with Mac really worth all this?  
  
Now what? You know what to do. You are going to pick up that cell phone and dial that familiar number. The number of the cell in the Admiral's SUV. Cause he is still on the road, driving home from this airstrip in Blacksburg. Before he has a chance to change his mind.  
  
You are going to apologize first for that conversation and then accept his offer. With the dignity and respect that is his due. Cause he has earned it. Cause it's the right thing to do. For JAG and for you. Suck it up, Peter Pan. 


	2. Sea Change II

Title: Sea Change II  
  
Author: Nan  
  
Rating: PG-13 (strong language warning)  
  
Classification: vignette, Harm/AJ  
  
Spoilers: Another missing scene from Back in the Saddle. Companion piece to Sea Change published earlier  
  
Summary: This time we look into AJ's thoughts after that heated conversation in the bar between Harm and AJ.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Admiral's SUV  
  
Interstate 81  
  
Virginia  
  
1533 EST  
  
I stare at the cell phone in my hand. What was that? I watch the caller-id screen. 8.35 minutes of talk time and my cell identifies the caller as Harmon Rabb. After a pause, the screen clears and it resumes back to active roaming status.  
  
I pulled over to the shoulder of the highway when I saw his name flash. It had only been an hour since I left him in the roadside bar at Blacksburg airport. Whatever he wanted to say now deserved my full attention.   
  
I wasn't angry when I flipped open the cell to talk. Funny but my anger at the bar conversation dissipated quickly. I've spent the last five months angry with the man. A few traded insults actually relieved the tension. For me, anyway.  
  
Must have had the same effect on him too. This phone conversation was completely civil and deferential. He apologized for his words earlier and asked for his job back. Wow.  
  
I feel like I won the NY marathon or something. I got Harmon Rabb to admit he was wrong. And he is coming back to JAG under my conditions. Double wow.  
  
Here I was thinking that this trip to Blacksburg was a damn waste of time. That this was the last time I let a damn yeoman talk me into something that I know was foolhardy. I was already thinking what I was going to tell Coates. That JAG isn't a damn fairytale and there is no happy ending. That she couldn't possible understand this. Whatever this is.  
  
This, this,.... What is this exactly? I know one thing this is. Whatever this is, it is a mess. The whole thing is a debacle. Even though Rabb's been gone for over 5 months, I still have officers taking sides and fighting one another. One look at Sturgis and you can see a man who is pissed. Pissed at Bud? Sure, that's easy to point fingers. Bud's failure to represent him adequately. Yada, yada, yada. That's old news.  
  
But Sturgis is more than just mad at Bud. He is mad at me. And Mac.   
  
Why he is mad at me is easy to figure out. I'm somehow responsible for Rabb's departure from JAG. Christ, does no one remember who actually quit here? Rabb submitted his resignation. I didn't ask for it. If I recall correctly, I fought the resignation tooth and nail. I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him to stay.  
  
Or did everyone just think that manipulating the system was as easy as that? Just quit, do what you want, then apologize. All will be forgiven. It's happened like that before. Now it's part of the JAGman manual as standard operation procedure? People, do I have to remind you that no one is above the rules? I'm not above the rules and I'm the goddamn Judge Advocate General of the United States Navy.   
  
Commander Rabb may be the ultimate poster boy for the US Navy but his decorated ass is not above the rules either. Goddamn him.  
  
So Sturgis' anger at me is easy to explain. But why is he mad at Mac? Turns out now I've got a senior staff member taking sides in this inscrutable anti-relationship those two call friendship. Does Sturgis blame Mac for Rabb's departure? Maybe. This whole mess was made all the more distressing because it is less than two years until Harm retires with full benefits. Sorry Sturgis, I can see the way you think and I feel for him too. But lay off Mac.  
  
I'll let you in on a secret, Sturgis. It wasn't just the backlog of cases from Imes debacle that brought me to Blacksburg today. It was the fact that that goddamn Imes mistake by the goddamn Navy gave me a goddamn reasonable basis to bring the goddamn Commander back. So he could at least work out the last couple of years before crop-dusting his sorry life away. Goddamn him.  
  
Sturgis sees what I see. That Harm's got a major emotional attachment to the Colonel. Carefully hidden for years but still there. Most of the time, it lies deep beneath the surface, but every so often it lashes out. It's frightening in its intensity and depth. He expects her to understand it. But it just scares her. That's Paraguay in a nutshell.   
  
Poor bastard. He is never going to be able to put together the words or actions to get past her impenetrable shell. She's got the bar set so high; you have to wonder what he did to hurt her so. Or is that she's afraid she will hurt him?  
  
Well, now Harm's returning to JAG. And from what I saw in the bar, Harm hasn't been very successful at putting any of this behind him. Despite a five month absence from the Navy, colleagues and friends. He's a mess.  
  
And Mac still works at JAG. And it's time to deal with it. He has to pull himself together. I'll help. I bury him in so much work, he won't have enough energy to shave, never mind brood.  
  
So, Peter Pan, it's time to come home. Harm, figure out what you want. It's not that hard. I did it. So can you. Meredith may not be everything but at least she safe. Emotionally safe that is. Marcella? She was more like Mac. I will always love her. But Meredith is my choice this time.   
  
By the way, Harm, can Meredith come flying this weekend? 


End file.
